Surviving the zombie apocalypse

Corporate Life

I thought this topic would be timely given today's date. With the recent success of AMC's "The Walking Dead" and all the current zombie hubub (got hooked recently on Zombie Gunship for iPad), I began to realize that there's a lot of parallel strategies to surviving in the corporate world and staying ahead of the zombie horde. Here's my list of suggested strategies for your continued well-being when the flesh-eaters propagate (or when the next staff reduction comes around).

1. Be prepared. It goes without saying that a little bit of preparation may save your ass in the end. It's the simple things like having an earthquake survival kit that might arm you with enough supplies to get out of town before the eating gets good. Learning how to use a gun would be a good one too - you don't want to make "forgot to take off the safety" your last, colossal mistake on this mortal earth. It's like the corporate world - there's a bunch of little things that you can do to make sure you're not at the bottom of the food chain. Stay educated. Know your products and offers. Understand the processes. Those that don't are usually the first to go.
2. Keep moving. Staying put means it's just easier for that roving band of zombies to find you. You'll need to use your days seeking out food, drinkable water and a safe refuge for the evening. Unless you can find an impenetrable bunker with enough supplies to survive the Armageddon, you'll always be on the move. Of course, in the real world, staying put is usually equated with stagnation, which puts you at the bottom of the list mentioned in #7. That doesn't mean changing jobs every few years, but perhaps you change how you approach things, or re-invent the role to adapt to the environment.
3. Surround yourself with smart people. You want to be closest to the guy who knows the most about surviving in the wilderness or can McGyver his way out of any situation when the apocalypse comes. Pretty girls and "red shirts" are only good for zombie fodder. Same goes at work. Seriously. Oh and BTW, just in case you were thinking it, there is always someone smarter than you.
4. Share your unique value. Just as you'll want smart people around you to help you survive, they'll want something in return. What can you contribute in the world's darkest hours? Maybe it's being able to make an edible meal out of squirrel and some gathered berries. In the real world, you're more likely to get help from those who have bigger brains than yours, by making sure you bring something to the table for them. Perhaps it's "feedback from the field" or simply making their lives less difficult.
5. Learn how to blend in with the surroundings. Why does the damsel always create distress by making noise or starting up the ferris wheel with all the blinking lights? Zombies are attracted to light and sound, of course. Your job is to not get noticed by them as they are on the way to the buffet. It's like that guy at work who makes a lot of noise and stands out in the crowd - it's not necessarily a good thing to demonstrate how unprepared or stupid you really are.
6. Be a leader. Even smart people sometimes need to be told what to do. In fact in my experience, it seems that the smarter they are, the more they need a leader. We're not talking all the time - just when the screaming starts and everyone panics, make sure that someone capable is controlling your destiny... that could be you. This doesn't mean that at the office you should be superseding your bosses authority, but as a previous manager of people, it was nice to have guys on the team that would step up once in a while.
7. Make sure you can outrun the guy next to you. There's a lot of debate as to whether zombies can run fast, or if they lack the motor skills to put up a really good chase. But you may never have to find out, as long as you aren't the first one on they catch. Same goes for the rest of the employees at the office - when the inevitable "stack-ranking" comes around each year, make sure you're not at the bottom.

In the end, the last recommendation is probably the most important - reinforcing the Zombieland Rule #1: Cardio.

Musings from the Scotch Lounge

Corporate Life

(Originally posted on my last day of work at Sun, I did not post this to my public version, but now that the years have passed, and Sun is gone, I thought it would be ok to re-post this now. Names changed or removed to protect the innocent.)

There's been enough of you that have been down here, that you know what I mean when I say, "I'm sitting in Rico's Scotch Lounge". So here I am, engulfed in my leather club chair, sipping on a 28-year-old Convalmore (thanks guys!), pondering my last day at Sun and my 9-year legacy.

As you saw from the note I sent to the masses, it's been tremendous fun working here with you guys. Some have not been around long enough to bear witness to the now legendary events (e.g. Spondivits, various Sunrise shenanigans, kickoffs in San Diego and Montreal), and not all were at the beer tasting fiasco down in Yaletown (which we never received the bill for, BTW). But I know that there will be many new stories, and a raft of events that will become your new, cherished legends. So that's what this blog note (blote?) is all about - not looking backward, but forward. As I said to our sales director in an e-mail a few weeks ago, this isn't about me, but rather about you (i.e. Sun Canada, or in this case, the TELUS team), and keeping everyone moving forward toward your common goal.

You guys all know I am a geek at heart - I watched every episode of Star Trek as a kid, and yes, I have a downloaded copy of the entire original 3-year series. It's actually the concept of the Borg that springs to mind here - the "Collective" and the power that they had together, instead of the sum of the individual contributors. I, as an individual, am not what has made Sun successful at TELUS; it's you - all of you, working together as a team that have been the winning combination. Truly, I have you to thank for my success at Sun - and some who are no longer here too. But the point is, that taking out a single Borg has minimal impact, as the combined entity of the Collective is virtually unstoppable. Our results this year proved that when the past leader left, we were still more than capable of winning as a team; my departure will be no different.

There's a scene near the beginning of the movie Enemy at the Gate, where Jude Law, as a young Vasily Zaytsev, is amongst the thousands of Red Army soldiers tasked with repelling the Nazis from Stalingrad. They are lined up to get their guns, but since weapons are limited, only every other infantryman gets a rifle. A sergeant shouts over a megaphone, "When the man with the rifle goes down, the man behind him picks up the rifle and shoots!". Ok, so I don't want you to pick up the wrong metaphor here - I did not get "shot"; you all know that. No, the relevant analogy is that the next guy picks up where the other guy left off, without hesitation. You can't stop to check on how he is, take him back to the command post for triage, or re-group to change your attack plan. No, you keep moving forward, utilizing the same strategy. I've used other military comparisons in past blogs; in this situation, it's even more apropos.

Your enemy (the competition) is going to look for weaknesses during times of leadership change, and try to exploit those areas. Your job is to fill the gaps, stay on the offensive, and keep them on their heels. When I last checked, we are at over 105% of plan - now is the time to start lobbing grenades into Nazi territory and attacking with all your vigour! Take no prisoners! For those of you not up on your history, the Russians defeated the Germans in Stalingrad, and their victory was a key turning point in the war.

Keep up the fight.

Rich